Comments on: When Boys Play “Killing”

By: kidologist

kidologist — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:41:55 +0000

Wow, I have REALLY appreciated the thoughtful responses to a delicate conversation. Hoping others will chime in too.

By: Glen Woods

Glen Woods — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:38:57 +0000

Not much to add to what you said above. I think you have laid it out well. However, if a young person’s play acting involves extreme behavior such as terrorizing live animals like cats or small dogs, then that obviously is a huge red flag. Also, I think parents would do well to learn how to observe their child’s play and listen to the themes that emerge from their actions and words. Since play is the primary language of young children and toys are their vocabulary (Gary Landreth, U of N. Texas), then there can be times for specific children when play moves beyond the realm of innocent make-believe and into the arena of acting out their own trauma through progressively violent play. In all cases, I do think parents bear a responsibility to be aware of their child’s play and also to set safe and appropriate limits. For example, hitting Theodore the Cat is never acceptable. Having toy Spiderman and engage in hand-to-hand with the toy Joker should be fine. Great post, thanks!

By: Doug

Doug — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 22:26:21 +0000

Excellent responses!

I think John Eldredge did a good job tackling this issue in several places in a couple of places in Wild At Heart.

By: Daniel

Daniel — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 22:01:25 +0000

Always leads to a fascinating discussion, this topic does. I’ll just add two things:

#1. “Don’t panic.” That’s indeed always my number one rule about children’s fantasy play. As it seems the original writer has always done, trying to become engaged with your child’s play and “uncover” what it’s really all about is usually the best course of action. Sharp or knee-jerk reactions never quite work the way you expect or really want.

#2. Vivian Gussin Paley, a former Kindergarten teacher at the University of Chicago’s lab school, has written some very excellent, widely enjoyed and acclaimed books on fantasy play, drawing on the stories and children from her own classroom. “A Child’s Work: The Importance of Fantasy Play” and the especially apt, “Bad Guys Don’t Have Birthdays: Fantasy Play at Four” are two I’d especially recommend — just be warned they’re wonderfully engaging and accessible, to the point where you might not want to put them down.

By: Timothy

Timothy — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 21:15:23 +0000

Excellent response, Karl. There’s not a lot I can add to that, except to echo that much of the play fighting is “hard wired” into boys. I think the basic desire for justice, to triumph over and eradicate evil, is, at its core, healthy.
But we also need to be aware that much of the popular media that boys emulate tends to be morally ambiguous. Back when I was a kid, my dad and I watched “championship wrestling” every Saturday. There were good guys and bad guys. The bad guys would cheat and do all sorts of dasterdly things, but eventually, the good guys would prevail. But if you look at pro wrestling today, the good guys and bad guys all use the same underhanded techniques to win. Some of the heroes in movies and television are almost as dark and scary as the villians. With a few notable exceptions (Star Wars, Narnia), there is a growing lack of boundaries or moral context to the killings.
I agree that the key is communication. It starts with talking about depictions of fighting in comics, tv, and movies (“why?” “what?” “could there have been a better way?” etc). Hollywood will rarely if ever provide the moral compass, nor should they. It’s our job as parents to put these “role models” into the proper context.